Scout
07-28-2006, 11:54 AM
This is a guide for gay girls and how to survive or even thrive at Burning Man.
1. It is an urban myth that straight men are stupid. (No really) The truth is that ALL men are stupid. The reason you gay girls happen to notice it every second of your life is because straight men point that stupidity at ALL women ALL the time. See, gay men are just as stupid as straight men only they point that stupidity at each other. Thus, you the gay girl don’t notice it as much.
That said, while you are at BM you will draw the attention of many stupid men (that may not get the hint that you prefer women) that may hit on you to get some hot playa chick action. After you tell them oh so politely (like you do), “Thank you for the invitation of hot (Ya right) sex, but I prefer women.” Now you hope this guy would just walk away, but you know what the next question is. “Would you and your girlfriend like to have a 3-way?” At this point you really need to take action, but before you do, you need to think about Mia Hamm kicking a penalty kick. Are you thinking about Mia? Now think of her NOT naked….got it! Mia does not give her intentions away. OK, now just like Mia, step and KICK. Repeat, step and KICK. The world record for Olympic stupid man nut kicking is a 3 inch lift. (Lift = the number of inches you lift this jerk off the ground by kicking him full in the nuts) There should be a new world record once you’re done with this idiot. Remember to NOT do this directly in front of your camp, because this guy will be lying on the ground crying for his momma for hours afterward. An easy way to lure this jerk away from your camp is by saying something like, “Oh, it’s your lucky day.” “My girl and I promised each other that we would have a 3-way with the first guy who asked us to have one with him, and you are it.” (Right) Walk him about a block away for your camp and WAM kick in the old nuts. Doing the happy dance around the guy while he cries on the ground is very acceptable. Just like Mia you too can celebrate a good shot.
2. Now, even though gay men and gay women do things together like the Gay Pride Parade I’ve heard what you guys say to each other when you think I’m asleep on the couch in our camp. Here is an example:
Fish cakes
Butt breath
Clam bake
Felcher
Breeder
Breeder
It’s all toooo much…..that Breeder stuff is just TOO mean…..STOP IT!!!
3. You must remember if there was not a Critical Tits Parade there would be no BM. I mean who would come to BM without Critical Tits? No, straight guys and no gay girls would show. That would leave about 15,000 gay men running around in the desert waiting to burn some stick guy. What fun is that? That is why Larry Harvey invented Critical Tits. With Critical Tits he gets the straight guy and gay girl crowd. I’m sorry that this year’s parade is going to be lead by a man. If you didn’t hear about it yet, there is a GUY with enormous man-boobs that has been picked by the organizers of the Critical Tits Parade to lead the parade. The identity of this GUY is being kept a secret. I did hear the name of this GUY may be released in one of the local papers you find on the playa this year. Keep your eyes out for more news.
4. For gods sake, DON’T PARTY WITH LARRY HARVEY!!!!! There is nothing a gay girl gets from telling anyone that you partied with Larry. So, lets say you party with “Larry”. (Remember every guy in a hat at BM says he’s “Larry”) You wake up the next morning really hung over next to some old fuck in a silly hat who has no genitals who’s playa name is “Larry”. What do you do? I know you got really fucked up last night, but sex with a GUY…..ICK!!!!! I think you may be better off not telling ANYONE and just getting LOTS of therapy, what ever form that takes for you.
5. This last one is a touchy subject. Since BM is about new experiences, new ideas and meeting new people do you think you could leave your complete collection of Indigo Girls at home this year? Please? Don’t get me wrong, I love the Indigo Girls. I’ve even seen them live in concert. I had to borrow my friend’s I (heart) cock t-shirt so I wouldn’t get hassled for being the only straight guy in the crowd. (What do you mean that my friend told me that just so I would wear his I (heart) cock t-shirt in public, oh well?) Listening to anything over and over and over for 168 hours straight will make your campmates go crazy…..really.
I can’t keep giving you all this good advice,
Scout
1. It is an urban myth that straight men are stupid. (No really) The truth is that ALL men are stupid. The reason you gay girls happen to notice it every second of your life is because straight men point that stupidity at ALL women ALL the time. See, gay men are just as stupid as straight men only they point that stupidity at each other. Thus, you the gay girl don’t notice it as much.
That said, while you are at BM you will draw the attention of many stupid men (that may not get the hint that you prefer women) that may hit on you to get some hot playa chick action. After you tell them oh so politely (like you do), “Thank you for the invitation of hot (Ya right) sex, but I prefer women.” Now you hope this guy would just walk away, but you know what the next question is. “Would you and your girlfriend like to have a 3-way?” At this point you really need to take action, but before you do, you need to think about Mia Hamm kicking a penalty kick. Are you thinking about Mia? Now think of her NOT naked….got it! Mia does not give her intentions away. OK, now just like Mia, step and KICK. Repeat, step and KICK. The world record for Olympic stupid man nut kicking is a 3 inch lift. (Lift = the number of inches you lift this jerk off the ground by kicking him full in the nuts) There should be a new world record once you’re done with this idiot. Remember to NOT do this directly in front of your camp, because this guy will be lying on the ground crying for his momma for hours afterward. An easy way to lure this jerk away from your camp is by saying something like, “Oh, it’s your lucky day.” “My girl and I promised each other that we would have a 3-way with the first guy who asked us to have one with him, and you are it.” (Right) Walk him about a block away for your camp and WAM kick in the old nuts. Doing the happy dance around the guy while he cries on the ground is very acceptable. Just like Mia you too can celebrate a good shot.
2. Now, even though gay men and gay women do things together like the Gay Pride Parade I’ve heard what you guys say to each other when you think I’m asleep on the couch in our camp. Here is an example:
Fish cakes
Butt breath
Clam bake
Felcher
Breeder
Breeder
It’s all toooo much…..that Breeder stuff is just TOO mean…..STOP IT!!!
3. You must remember if there was not a Critical Tits Parade there would be no BM. I mean who would come to BM without Critical Tits? No, straight guys and no gay girls would show. That would leave about 15,000 gay men running around in the desert waiting to burn some stick guy. What fun is that? That is why Larry Harvey invented Critical Tits. With Critical Tits he gets the straight guy and gay girl crowd. I’m sorry that this year’s parade is going to be lead by a man. If you didn’t hear about it yet, there is a GUY with enormous man-boobs that has been picked by the organizers of the Critical Tits Parade to lead the parade. The identity of this GUY is being kept a secret. I did hear the name of this GUY may be released in one of the local papers you find on the playa this year. Keep your eyes out for more news.
4. For gods sake, DON’T PARTY WITH LARRY HARVEY!!!!! There is nothing a gay girl gets from telling anyone that you partied with Larry. So, lets say you party with “Larry”. (Remember every guy in a hat at BM says he’s “Larry”) You wake up the next morning really hung over next to some old fuck in a silly hat who has no genitals who’s playa name is “Larry”. What do you do? I know you got really fucked up last night, but sex with a GUY…..ICK!!!!! I think you may be better off not telling ANYONE and just getting LOTS of therapy, what ever form that takes for you.
5. This last one is a touchy subject. Since BM is about new experiences, new ideas and meeting new people do you think you could leave your complete collection of Indigo Girls at home this year? Please? Don’t get me wrong, I love the Indigo Girls. I’ve even seen them live in concert. I had to borrow my friend’s I (heart) cock t-shirt so I wouldn’t get hassled for being the only straight guy in the crowd. (What do you mean that my friend told me that just so I would wear his I (heart) cock t-shirt in public, oh well?) Listening to anything over and over and over for 168 hours straight will make your campmates go crazy…..really.
I can’t keep giving you all this good advice,
Scout