Scout
07-27-2006, 10:38 AM
This one starts with a bad joke that I take full responsibility for.
Q. What is the difference between Burning Man and a Candy Store for a gay man?
A. The candy in a candy store does not get up and walk around you naked all day.
I warned you, it was a bad joke.
This is a guide for gay guys and how to survive or even thrive at Burning Man
1. Not every man at BM is gay, they are only dressed that way. How this happens is really easy. A straight guy’s idea of a costume for BM is a kilt (nark) with a bottle of jack and a boner. Remember, kilts are not costumes. Kilt in ever language mean “man skirt.” What happens is the straight guys gay camp mates see that he is wearing that tired old kilt for the third day in a row and take pity (or so you think) and decide to dress them. What you find next is a straight guy dressed in a white fuzzy hat, boots and mesh see through camouflage pants. (This was me, and I am not kidding) Before you know it this straight guy has more gay guy friends than he knew even existed. Personally I really think that my gay camp mates just like dressing me is the stupidest thing they have. Why, because I’m at BM and I will put on just about anything they give me.
2. Not everyone at BM has ever met a gay guy in real life. Sure they’ve seen Will and Grace, but that’s a TV gay guy. When you meet these people (true most of them are straight men) they will ask you the stupidest questions like, “Are you a homo-o-sex-ual?” The next move is all yours. You can tell them to fuck off or give them a break. Why would you give some breeder a break when they never give you one? Well, because they are at BM. Maybe, and I mean just maybe they are at BM and your meeting with them may change their life. I have a very good friend that experienced this very thing. He found out 5 minutes before he got to his first burn that he was camping with 5 mostly naked gay men. This guy had never been around gay men ever. What he experienced was life changing. So, remember the power is in your hands.
3. Please take pity on the women that hit on you because they think your straight and really cute. I am not talking about the women that think that one shake of their magic vagina will turn you from gay to straight. Bring all those girls by our camp because we love to watch the futility in action. No, I’m talking about the girls that in their attempt to get some action at BM make the honest mistake and pick on you. Here is an example I saw. This girl who was camping next door to us came into our camp butt ass naked except for her shoes. She sat down next to D__ who was dressed in only a sequined vest (clue) and was hand sowing sequins (clue) on his outfit for that night. She turned and looked D__ directly in the eyes and said, “I could go for a good fisting right now.” D__’s reaction was much like a cat who was just surprised by a dog sniffing it’s butt. D__ looked at the girl and said, “Oooooohhhhhh, well don’t look at me.” After I cleaned the frosty beverage that squirted out of my nose we got her hooked up. We asked our camp sneaky lesbian who hooked the next door neighbor girl up with a girl (get that) who fulfilled a number of her fantasies. She got her fisting, by a girl in front of a crowd (I was not invited) of other women. From the reports I heard was that the girl had her hand so far up the next door neighbor’s whoohoo that she looked a lot like a hand puppet.
4. For god sake do NOT party with Larry Harvey. Do not come stumbling back to camp telling everyone how you blew Larry. (I have seen this) First of all Larry has no genitals, so how could you have blown him? Yes, being one of the holy trinity Larry has no genitals. Neither does Maid Marian or Danger Ranger, sorry guys. (I’ve seen the pictures) Remember every other gay guy and all the straight guys are walking around BM all week saying that they blew Larry. So, please don’t start.
5. I know that it is the right of every gay man to dominate all the music that is played in your camp, but could you play something besides techno ALL the time. Come on, you do leave the camp and sleep sometime, don’t you? There is nothing more exciting than being woke up at 4:00 AM by you trying to drown out the sound of our camp lesbian’s gas powered vibrator with your newest techno mix. Remember, just because you are gay does not make you a DJ.
I can’t keep giving you all this good advice,
Scout
Q. What is the difference between Burning Man and a Candy Store for a gay man?
A. The candy in a candy store does not get up and walk around you naked all day.
I warned you, it was a bad joke.
This is a guide for gay guys and how to survive or even thrive at Burning Man
1. Not every man at BM is gay, they are only dressed that way. How this happens is really easy. A straight guy’s idea of a costume for BM is a kilt (nark) with a bottle of jack and a boner. Remember, kilts are not costumes. Kilt in ever language mean “man skirt.” What happens is the straight guys gay camp mates see that he is wearing that tired old kilt for the third day in a row and take pity (or so you think) and decide to dress them. What you find next is a straight guy dressed in a white fuzzy hat, boots and mesh see through camouflage pants. (This was me, and I am not kidding) Before you know it this straight guy has more gay guy friends than he knew even existed. Personally I really think that my gay camp mates just like dressing me is the stupidest thing they have. Why, because I’m at BM and I will put on just about anything they give me.
2. Not everyone at BM has ever met a gay guy in real life. Sure they’ve seen Will and Grace, but that’s a TV gay guy. When you meet these people (true most of them are straight men) they will ask you the stupidest questions like, “Are you a homo-o-sex-ual?” The next move is all yours. You can tell them to fuck off or give them a break. Why would you give some breeder a break when they never give you one? Well, because they are at BM. Maybe, and I mean just maybe they are at BM and your meeting with them may change their life. I have a very good friend that experienced this very thing. He found out 5 minutes before he got to his first burn that he was camping with 5 mostly naked gay men. This guy had never been around gay men ever. What he experienced was life changing. So, remember the power is in your hands.
3. Please take pity on the women that hit on you because they think your straight and really cute. I am not talking about the women that think that one shake of their magic vagina will turn you from gay to straight. Bring all those girls by our camp because we love to watch the futility in action. No, I’m talking about the girls that in their attempt to get some action at BM make the honest mistake and pick on you. Here is an example I saw. This girl who was camping next door to us came into our camp butt ass naked except for her shoes. She sat down next to D__ who was dressed in only a sequined vest (clue) and was hand sowing sequins (clue) on his outfit for that night. She turned and looked D__ directly in the eyes and said, “I could go for a good fisting right now.” D__’s reaction was much like a cat who was just surprised by a dog sniffing it’s butt. D__ looked at the girl and said, “Oooooohhhhhh, well don’t look at me.” After I cleaned the frosty beverage that squirted out of my nose we got her hooked up. We asked our camp sneaky lesbian who hooked the next door neighbor girl up with a girl (get that) who fulfilled a number of her fantasies. She got her fisting, by a girl in front of a crowd (I was not invited) of other women. From the reports I heard was that the girl had her hand so far up the next door neighbor’s whoohoo that she looked a lot like a hand puppet.
4. For god sake do NOT party with Larry Harvey. Do not come stumbling back to camp telling everyone how you blew Larry. (I have seen this) First of all Larry has no genitals, so how could you have blown him? Yes, being one of the holy trinity Larry has no genitals. Neither does Maid Marian or Danger Ranger, sorry guys. (I’ve seen the pictures) Remember every other gay guy and all the straight guys are walking around BM all week saying that they blew Larry. So, please don’t start.
5. I know that it is the right of every gay man to dominate all the music that is played in your camp, but could you play something besides techno ALL the time. Come on, you do leave the camp and sleep sometime, don’t you? There is nothing more exciting than being woke up at 4:00 AM by you trying to drown out the sound of our camp lesbian’s gas powered vibrator with your newest techno mix. Remember, just because you are gay does not make you a DJ.
I can’t keep giving you all this good advice,
Scout